Shame hinders our ability to be fully alive as ourselves, as if there were any other way. (Click here to read last week’s post on shame). Shame assaults the image of God in every person you know. Daily. Or hourly. Or every ten minutes.
Before I became a counselor, I taught middle school Literature for eight years, and there I received a healing education on shame. Most of us befriended shame and settled into its habits by early adolescence. What memories do you have of being in middle school? Few speak of those years as kind. I spent most of my own elementary, middle, and high school years afraid. If anyone really sees me…
As a teacher, I had the daily opportunity to watch from a different perspective. It’s easier to spot insecurity in others when you yourself are not afraid. Talented jocks looked more like scared little boys. Popular cliquey girls appeared anxious and unsure of themselves. Bullies showed up as angry kids hiding and running from a broken home. Future valedictorians approached me to ask question after question, not because they wanted to learn, but because not knowing meant a loss of identity.
A newfound empathy grew in me. When we know someone’s story, it becomes difficult to dismiss or judge them. Teaching taught me I live in far less fear of others when I know their story and the shame that haunts them.
Would any of us eagerly repeat middle school? On Open House night, every principal could honestly stand before parents and say, “Here at Everyday Middle School, we teach the basics students need to know: Math, English, History, Science, and Shame. Know your kids are in good hands; they will not finish the year without firsthand experience of these, with a special emphasis on Shame.”
In the formational moments of our own shame, we barely knew our heart, much less the stories of those who helped cement our shame. So we enacted defensive shields masked as personalities. No one knew us, but that was okay because at least we felt safe and justified.
Perhaps one of the reasons teens are so consumed with themselves is their shame keeps them there. Shame blinds and deafens us to our surrounding stories. When I am in toxic-shame, I literally do not hear the person speaking directly in front of me. I am unable to be present. I accomplish little and relate poorly. I may make eye contact, but my heart and mind leave me. I am the opposite of fully alive.
The more I work with people, the more I see shame as the universal human experience we must all individually confront. The restoration of our heart depends on it. The real spiritual and emotional heart work begins when we identify and begin to expose our shame.
Until we know our shame, we will fail to recognize it in others, and we will live alone and afraid. The more of your shame you know, the better eyes you’ll have to see shame in others. To love well and live fully we must become students of our shame.
Process:
Where do you pressure yourself to perform perfectly or counter with not trying at all?
Chances are, shame lurks beneath each of these experiences.
