Resistance: To fight against someone or something
I often remark to myself that I struggle with many of the same things my clients do. Much of this writing on resistance formed through working with someone who struggled to create momentum toward growth. As I read over my own thoughts, I am confronted with truth: while I may counsel professionally and hang a degree on my wall, I too stare at the same resistance I encourage others to face. As different and unique as we all are, we can never escape the humanity which defines us. In our depths we are all struggling against forces within which tempt us to hide rather than be seen, stay safe rather than risk, and submit to resistance which dares us to abandon our hearts and live small stories.
There are two ways in which people approach counseling: 1) with the goal of resolution and 2) with the goal of maturity. Actually, we approach life in either of the same ways.
The Goal of Resolution: Presenting a problem which needs solution; doing everything one can to accomplish that fix
The Goal of Maturity: Awareness and commitment to the process of the heart; to live with the humility that one has not arrived and will not arrive this side of heaven
Popular belief seems to define counseling as really only for the crazy, dysfunctional, and diagnosable people and thus only appropriate for you if you have a serious issue you need to work out. For people with this line of thinking, the counseling process becomes an impatient search to fix a problem. This makes sense- once you fix your problem you are no longer in need of a service for “crazy” people.
We want resolution, and we want it now. People who fall into this category are often the ones who do not want anyone to know they are in counseling. They will say, “If anyone found out I was here…” Sometimes they lie to friends and family about where they go every week at the same time. The shame of sitting in self-reflection and feeling their pain keeps them from living freely, or at least entering the process. Shame and fear become the enemy.
I hear many times: “I feel better. I don’t really have anything else to talk about.”
This is sure-fire talk for either resistance to the process of maturity or unawareness that the heart has bumped up against the potential for growth.
Here are a couple truths you can adopt about yourself:
- I have issues, issues worthy of processing.
- I need to look at my story. Not once, but regularly because I live it and replay it every day.
- My family, however great they are, is broken and flawed.
- I want to avoid my feelings.
- Regardless of the self-work I have done, I am not fixed, cured, or healed.
Great news, right? However you feel about the truths does not change the fact that they are true. All of them are true. Right now. For you.
You don’t have a problem. You have problems. And that makes you…drum roll, please…human. Not crazy. Just human.
So long as you hold onto the toxic-shame which perpetuates flight from your humanity, you will be unable to receive grace. In our acceptance of our humanity, we find the strength to accept grace.
When it comes to hardships in life: Are you after resolution or maturity?
Specifically when it comes to counseling, it is not wrong to begin with a presenting problem. The process needs to begin somewhere. Marital strife, an addiction, an affair, or a relational pattern that will not go away. Whatever it might be, your crisis has value. As you walk the road of life, though, gauge whether your heart demands resolution or longs for maturity. Resolution will attempt to rid your life of the above five truths. Maturity will embrace the truths as par for the journey.
Process: How is resistance allowing you to run from what God might have for you?
