A few weeks back, I posted several parts of a series on engaging our heart in the midst of temptation. I intended to follow them up sooner, but time got away until now. When the context of our life tempts us to react impulsively to do things we do not want to do, we can slow the momentum down with a process that accesses the heart. Here are four steps that build on each other.
1) What am I feeling? (Click here)
2) Canoe Down a River (Click here)
3) What is it I am really looking for? (Click here)
4) Looking for Connection in Darkness
We are not made to journey alone. Toxic-Shame, the feeling which plagues all of us, would have us believe otherwise. How is it we can feel immense safety and connection with a friend in one moment and fall into isolation and fear of exposure the next? When temptation confronts us, our immediate impulse is to hide. Then shame begets shame. We often have shame about that which tempts us, and then shame keeps us from naming our need and reaching out for help. Shame, and then shame, and then more shame. Sound familiar?
Hopefully the previous steps helped. But even if we have processed our feelings, denied ourselves and turned away, and sought out core desires, we still may need another connection. It may be time to call a friend, counselor, or pastor. In some circles, this is called accountability, a word that can conjure up different connotations. For some it represents hope, friendship, and help. For others, it represents an experience of sterile relationships whose sole responsibility is to check up on fellow sinners to keep behavior in line.
Don’t get me wrong: Good behavior matters. But heart transformation through struggle and being known in relationship matters more.
From humanity’s first wrong decision until this moment, this has always been true. Most Christians know Genesis 3 as the record of the first sin and paradise lost, but fewer recognize it as God highlighting His desire to relate with us. In Genesis 3, Adam and Eve choose to give into the temptation of self-reliance, neglecting their responsibility to walk in trust with God. And then God comes looking for them. But what is the state of His heart as He comes? This is the crucial moment that will change the trajectory of hope for you and me. Is God the warden coming to take the guilty captive? Is God the rageful father insistent on exposure and punishment? We might guess this to be Adam and Eve’s fear by their choice to hide themselves. Or is God curious and vulnerable- saddened, hurt, and angry because He cares- the father we long for?
God’s first response to human darkness is not correction or shame. Rather He asks a question which engages the heart, “Where are you?”
That they are known appears to be as important as what they have done.
The omniscient and omnipresent God knows where they hide; He needs no help in finding them. Rather it is they who need help finding themselves. The Great Counselor offers His help. While God embodies righteousness and justice, it is His curiosity and grace He extends first. In doing so, He gives us the beginnings of the blueprint for relationship in a fallen world.
If we are to live from and connected to the heart, this must become our model of accountability, connection, and friendship. A known heart most often moves toward goodness; an unknown heart finds refuge in darkness.
Calling a friend in a moment of temptation is less about keeping us in line and more about being known in our humanity. If we can adopt or shift toward this perspective, a world of life, freedom, and change becomes possible.
Dallas Willard pondered, “I wonder how much wrath in human life is a result of not being heard.”
The last thing any of us want to be is alone. In response, with deep and simple wisdom, Alcoholics Anonymous utilizes the role of the sponsor. When the demand for a drink takes over the alcoholic, help in the form of “you are not alone” is a call away. But too often we choose isolation, and temptation strikes strongest when we find ourselves disconnected.
Alone.
Alone with our vulnerability.
Alone with our secrets.
Alone with our cravings and demands.
Alone with our toxic-shame.
Alone with our displaced longing for life.
Alone with the illusion we can manipulate life to provide the control, comfort, and power we crave.
We need allies of the heart who will not only listen with unconditional acceptance, but also keep vision of who we are and who we could be. We need friends who know their own weaknesses which enables them to handle ours. We need friends clued in to the struggle of living present in a broken world. Finding people like this is not necessarily easy, and it may sound downright impossible. One thing is certain: until we begin seeking them out, we likely will not find them.
Allies of the heart do exist. In dark moments when we have lost ourselves, we need them most. And these are the words we need to hear, “Thank you for calling me. This temptation, this struggle you face is real. But it does not define you. I know the real you, the deeper you, the good heart beneath the ugly. I see you fighting hard, and I am proud of your courage to ask for help. I’m with you. You are not alone.”
