While we as a community of humans fight another infection and (many of us) stay home with good intentions, what will it take for us to live well, personally and with each other? If we neglect the needs of the heart now, we and our relationships will erode. We must find a way to keep heart.
Over the coming days, I plan to post on ten ideas on the serious business of living with heart amidst the challenges of a quarantine.
Boundaries
Two weeks ago, I put my man bag and lunch in the car and drove to work. When I stepped into my office, I knew it was time to work.
Nine hours later and job done, I walked back into my home. The moment I set my bag down, it was time to be a husband and father.
Two weeks ago.
Now I wake up in a home office which doubles as a home school and cruise ship. My wife jokes that she becomes a cruise director over the summers, entrusted to entertain the children all day everyday. Her job started early this year. In a moment of humor and empathy, she showed me a meme from another mother attempting to educate her children: Homeschool Day 1: How do I transfer a student out of my class?
Routines and responsibilities and roles have changed, haven’t they? Anytime this is true, we must talk about boundaries. Our mental (and possibly physical) health is at stake.
This is not just for the folks with kids stuck at home bouncing off the walls. It’s also for out-of-the-normal routine adults who seek to find a way to live with each other 24/7.
My appreciation for the significance of boundaries has only increased over years as a counselor. When I heard we may be a quarantined, “BOUNDARIES!” flashed like a billboard to the forefront of my mind. Boundaries are always an issue, but isolated in a house for a couple weeks or more? We had better establish physical, structural, and emotional boundaries. What’s your space? What is mine? Who is in charge now? To where do you need to retreat? Do we need to talk about roles?
Roles get especially confusing when a parent is also a partner and is also a professional working from home. Just yesterday I announced I was going to work on my computer in the makeshift office. I closed the door, but before I could sit down my daughter knocked. “Daddy, can you help me find the art supplies?”
In this moment…
Am I a father?
Am I a husband?
Am I a counselor and writer?
Am I human tornado ready to tear through the house?
Am I am utterly incapable of accomplishing everything (or anything)?
If you want to enjoy the people around you during a quarantine, befriend boundaries.
Physical Boundaries (space, rooms, food, computers and tablets, etc.)
Structural Boundaries (When to eat, exercise, work, play, and engage)
Emotional and Relational Boundaries (What am I feeling? What needs do I have? With whom do I need to connect? When do I need alone time?)
Talk with the people living with you ahead of time about needs, hopes, and expectations. Communicate: First within yourself and then aloud with others. Clarify, if needed and as many times as needed. Ask for help when you cannot handle your own responsibilities. Be ready to communicate and clarify again.
Healthy, clearly communicated boundaries set us up for healthy, respectful relationship and productive roles. If boundaries are not defined, emotions will turn reactive and harmful. Become aware of physical, structural, and emotional boundaries to set you and those with you up for a connecting and memorable quarantine.
Once boundaries are established, it might be kind of you toward yourself to have a conversation about expectations and grace. If you’re like me, you put high and heavy expectations on your own shoulders. In these days of new and fluid boundaries, efficiency will take a hit. Good news: Grace is far more available than hand sanitizer and meat at the grocery store. Be ready to offer it to yourself and others.
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