How does it end when the war that you’re in is just you against you against you? – Andrew Peterson
“Love your neighbor as yourself”
I read this verse, and I cringe. To love my neighbor as myself would put me in jail or close to it.
I am not kind to myself.
By love, I think Jesus assumes we know how to obsess over our basic needs for survival. I do need to be aware of my neighbor’s needs as I am my own. But to treat my neighbor the way I internally treat myself? Jesus knows better than that. We barely like ourselves, much less treat our heart and story with empathy, grace, forgiveness, and love.
I am learning this very slowly.
One evening I walked to my car. The sky had turned a deep, dark blue. Enough light allowed me to peer into the car window to see a face staring back. The man, if I can call him that, had a beard with traces of white wisdom that threatened its rich color. His face showed more age and less youth. Weathered skin surrounded his eyes, and while I could not see their blue, there was a centeredness and rootedness to them. My glasses made me look like a counselor, or a writer, or someone worthy of respect. I am starting to like that guy, I thought.
The thought of liking myself surprised me. It certainly is a newer idea.
Fifteen years ago I would have opened the door quickly in hopes that no one in the parking lot would notice me.
Ten years ago I would not have had time to think about my reflection; I would have ignored it and rushed off to work.
Five years ago I would have seen my reflection and entered the car to avoid my own disappointment and criticism.
If we dare listen, this deeply human question lingers daily: Do I love myself?
I heard this long ago, but it sounded silly at the time. Wouldn’t it make more sense to get on with life, serve God and others, and be productive? People insist on this regularly in my office.
A friend of mine shared that his counselor encouraged him to place framed pictures of himself around his apartment. In his kitchen. In the bathroom. In the living room on both ends of the couch. On the bar. In his bedroom. To be honest, it sounded a bit hokey.
Now years into my journey with shame, I am beginning to understand. (Free advice: If the idea of looking at personal photos excites you, you might be a narcissist. But for those of us who tend to look with disdain at our own eyes and face, it is a warranted exercise.)
Until we recognize how our shame handicaps us from being and offering who we are in relationship and calling, we will never understand the importance of loving (or liking) ourselves. We must journey into our shame if we are ever to love with and from a full heart.
A few items you will need for your journey:
- Willingness to feel and name shame.
- Passion and courage to tell the truth about what is happening inside of you.
- Humble faith God cares about your restoration more than you do.
- Allies of the heart to remind you you are not alone, who provide hope from their own experience.
- Vision for the man or woman you were made to be.
- Grace. More grace. And more grace.
Anyone who journeys into their own heart cannot help but find toxic-shame has shackled it. The shackling made sense at one time in our story. Captivity in shame’s grasp shielded us from further hurt and pain. But while this shame-laced protection looked like life and felt safe, it created relational death, isolation, and the burden of self-contempt. We wake up years later to learn our shame no longer aids us (It never fully did).
Until we face it, our self-contempt will only lock us down. The invitation to journey into it extends to us all, but the path is taken by too few.
Why? For one, because we must start with our own face, the very last place we want to look. When we look into our eyes, we sense our shame.
To live and love well, we must own this shame. We begin to own it when we face our own face, eye our own eyes, and try to love who we have tried to avoid since the first moment shame arrested us.
It is no small or short journey. In fact, it takes all of your heart and a lifetime.
Will you join me?
